it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize