Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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