That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
