My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
