I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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