my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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