On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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