You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
