yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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