My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I could fuck to npr.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
