just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
