I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize