Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
