I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
