It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just cropdusted the office
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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