You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
