I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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