I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
