Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
