Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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