good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
