I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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