we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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