Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize