dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
