I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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