Do you still have your period?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
