i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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