My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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