I'm going to jail i love you
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I intend to get homeless drunk
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
