my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
