I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
