I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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