He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
