Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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