Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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