I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
