If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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