This is not my ceiling
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
