Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I could make wine with my vomit
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
