In the future we'll all be gay
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
