i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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