alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
