If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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