dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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