Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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