My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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