We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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