I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
