I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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