I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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