I wish my penis had an off switch
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
