The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
