Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
