The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
