Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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